ADSL anxiety

I’ve been mulling over making a commitment to an internet service provider, colloquially known as an ISP. It’s the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make and I have already spent the equivalent of days contemplating bundles and bytes, plans and ports, credits and contracts, downloads and data.  I have ADSL anxiety. I didn’t spend any time contemplating my marriage.

     One of the problems is this; I am paralysed by the choice, even in regional Atherton which has limited ‘ports’. 

     ‘Catherine,’ said John in his heavy Indian accent, ‘can I call you Catherine? There are a limited number of ports available in your exchange.  I can sign you up now, but I cannot guarantee they’ll be available this afternoon.’

     Said Maddy, in her Indian accent, ‘once the ports are taken there is no possibility of accessing the network. I can take a few details now …’

     Nadine and Mike, coincidentally with Indian accents, said the same.

     The ports were still available over a week later.

     Distinguishing between the products is difficult, except for what Telstra has on offer.  How is it the corporation owning the hardware cannot offer a product competitive with what is offered by companies leasing its hardware; iprimus, Dodo, Optus, Westnet and iiNet (the same companies, different products), TPG and internode?

     Another problem I am facing is the inadequacy I feel when John or Nadine are pushing me to buy the Unlimited Download plan.

    What on earth can the average person do with unlimited downloads.  On TI we never reached out monthly allowance of 20 GB. 

     BTW, it’s not pronounced gigabytes, but geebee if you want to sound like you have a vague idea of the issue!

     For the non-IT worker, unlimited downloads or even 50 geebee a month is surely the way to an exceptionally sedentary and unhealthy life. 

     ‘But I just want broadband,’ I’ve said, my voice squeaky with confusion.

     Despite not knowing what a gamer is I told them I am not one of those.  And please stop telling me unlimited, high-speed internet is the way of the future.  I am in the present.  I don't care NBN is coming to my region and I can upgrade.

     Do you know what I want broadband for?  So my kids can learn on Mathletics.       

     Unfortunately, mobile phone internet cannot support the graphics of the program (flash technical term, not my own).

      The over-arching conundrum was asphyxiating me; I couldn’t find a program just right for us. There were either too many downloads, the ISP won’t quantify the connection fee BEFORE I enter the 24 month contract or the 1.5 embee per second (a cheaper plan) might be too slow and this will only be revealed after I have entered a 24 month contract. Or there were no calls included in the landline facility or the plan was simply too bloody expensive.

     I needed broadband benzos to keep going.  

     Until today.  The only plausible commitment came to me as an epiphany. Bugger high-speed broadband.  Slow and stingy mobile phone internet rules.  The ISPs can shove my business up their collective cloacas. I’m gonna keep doing things the old fashioned way.  I’ll teach my kids maths and they can read books instead of watch movies. And we’ll all spend time together, in the garden, around the dinner table or out adventuring.

     Now I know why I didn’t spend time contemplating marriage to Tony.  There was no choice.  He was the only one. Awww. And I get to spend more time with him while we stay off the broadband bandwagon. 
     It's a bit like the old days with Telecom.  There was only one communication provider, we made it work and were satisfied most of the time.