The Peabody Ducks

There is one country that frightens and to a certain extent, repulses me. It is home to junk food, ‘therr-apy,’ box office hits, family restaurants (with drive-thru [through] service) and mass-shootings with easy-to-come-by firearms.  Citizens consider is the greatest nation on earth even though the government likes to meddle in the affairs of sovereign nations.  It is home to what I consider an extremely commercial and superficial society and represents consumerism at its peak, perpetrated and perpetuated by multi-nationals, the media and movie industry. Worse, the English language has suffered with the development of inane phrases such as ‘24/7’, ‘I’m good’ and ‘my bad.’ Not to mention poor enunciation such as ‘toona fish,’ ‘tomayto’ and ‘UsstraIya.’  

     Yes, it’s the United States. 

     Of course the country has redeeming features such as Americans who have become Australian citizens, the invention of the cordless telephone and Carole King.  But tonight I almost forgave US for its arrogance and vacuousness when I learned about the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, Tennesee and the highly evolved tradition of allowing ducks to live on the premises.

     In 1933, then GM Frank Schutt introduced some ducks to the lobby fountain for a laugh and they were such a hit with the guests, there have been resident ducks since.  They have their own Duck Master who has the privilege and great responsibility of caring for and training the ducks.

         Each day, at 11 am the Duck Master follows the trained ducks from their penthouse, into the elevator, along the red carpet and into the marble fountain in the lobby where they frolic in the crystal clear water.  People come from all over the world to see the Peabody ducks.  At 5 pm, the ducks walk along the red carpet, into the elevator and back to their penthouse, followed by the Duck Master.  He doesn’t have to tell the ducks what to do.  They know.

     The Duck Master says the ducks ‘make people happy and bring joy to their lives.’

     Duh!  That’s what ducks do.  They can’t help it.  If more people considered the role ducks can play in achieving personal contentment and international peace, the world will be a better place.       

     Unfortunately, the establishment of the duck family in the Peabody Hotel was a century too late to prevent the commercial and political chaos that grips the US.

     However it’s not too late for Australians to learn from the Peabody Hotel example. When Bob Hawke campaigned for the 1987 election, he claimed, ‘By 1990 no Australian child will be living in poverty.’

     What he should have said, and what any self-respecting Australian political leader should say today is, ‘By the new year, no Australian hotel, shopping centre or park will be without a fountain with ducks for all to view.’

     Then the wisdom of ducks will be enjoyed by all Australians whose individual and collective consciousness can grow exponentially and improve the Australian morale, extreme weather patterns, our sporting prowess and the economy and flagging dollar. 

     It so happens I have a wealth of experience in duck training and I am between jobs. I even own a red jacket just like the Duck Master is wearing.  This makes me an ideal candidate for the role of Duck Mistress for geographically adjoining duck populations.  I would consider discussing a mutually beneficial employment relationship with a reputable hotel chain, centre management or local council to establish a world-class resident duck population for public enjoyment. 

     There is also the matter of duck souvenirs such as t-shirts, fire-proof pyjamas, environmentally friendly shopping bags and BPA-free lunch boxes and drink bottles, the proceeds of which would go to charity, of course. 

     And has it occurred to anyone that there have been no box-office movies about ducks?  We’ve had nearly every animal represented in movies to date such Babe, Jaws, Finding Nemo, Fantastic Mr Fox and The Adventures of Milo and Otis.  There’s The Lion King, King Kong, Piranha, The Black Stallion, Free Willy, Racing Stripes (a zebra for God’s sake) and a boxing kangaroo (Mathilda).  There are too many dog movies like Benji, Shiloh, Lassie Comes Home, Cujo and My Dog Skip. And things can't get worse when the main characters of moves are an ant (A Bug's Life) and a rat (Ratatouille).  Bird movies are Fly Away Home (geese), Paulie (a parrot) and Chicken Run, but they are not the genuine article. 

     It’s about time a movie was made about ducks.  I can write the book (to be used also as a curriculum resource) then I'll adapt it to a feature-film script.  It will be about a duck, say Pepper Zen whose natural habitat is threatened by global-warming and urbanisation.  The duck mediates between developers, local councils, scientists (sceptics and supporters) and the human community for a win-win outcome for everyone using a Buddhist approach.  I am sure the Dala Lama will agree to make a guest appearance given the content.  I’ll call it The Little Duck of Wisdom.  Or Pepper Zen and Now.  How about Quacking with Awareness?  The movie can be translated into 34 languages.

     Then again, the softly-softly approach may not work.  There might need to be some action because audiences like action such as guns and knives, mutilation and mayhem.  Maybe the duck needs to come in with all guns blazing like Fantastic Mr Fox and blow the crap out of the bad guys.  Think Get Quacked or Quack Shooter. 

     I do favour a traditional Hitchcock approach, The Ducks.  Or a thriller about an American scientist who, denied a Nobel Prize for his work on genetically modified ducks, gets revenge by hatching millions of rogue ducks that attack and kill.  I will call that Bills or, in honour of John Wyndham (my hero) The Day of the Ducks or The Quacken Wakes.  

     Oh, I won’t sleep tonight thinking of the financial, I mean, literary potential.